Cherniak, Turner and Kinsella A Metaphor in the Making?

During an election that has seen the "coming of age" of the blogosphere we still manage to have our juvenile delinquents, Some by geek, some by cheap and yet others by design.

Design first. He of the war room...the kicker of asses...presides not over the battle field but snipes at the knaves...Cheap....snipes randomly and clings to the Esther of Shaye...and he of the geek...the geek lives in oblivion to fight another day!

Syncro

News From The North Updated, Crosslinked, Userfriendly and Generally Asinine

Hi All!

Hot on the heels of my recent foray into the American blogosphere I have managed to come up with another bit of crapulence. I have been inspired to write this drivel by my mysterious friend Peace Moonbeam of The Peace Moonbeam Chronicles. Peace takes unfocused idiots like myself and Scooter Van Neuter under her wing and turns them into martyrs! I have heard through the grapevine that Scooter will soon relaunch his award winning site (Scooters Report) as soon as the Librium"shock therapy" is complete. Watch for it.

Anyways, As commissioned by the boss.

I must warn you that this is a cautionary tale about geeks bearing gifts.

Nuff said:

The News From the North

The boys and I have been excited all week in anticipation of the great leaders visit to Calgary. Of course I'm speaking of Stephane Dion, the leader of the official opposition and the head of the Liberal Party of Canada. Stephane has staked his political fortunes and the very survival of this nation (should he assume power in the coming election) on his brilliant "Green Shift" taxation program. The central theme of this program is that "carbon emitting" provinces like Alberta and Saskatchewan will be heavily taxed for our crimes against Ghia in an effort to fund more social programs for poor Jamacan immigrant youth in Toronto. You people would refer to them as gangbangers but we Canadians have refined the terms.

For those of you unfamiliar with Canadian geography, Calgary is located in the southwest portion of Alberta. If you look at a map of Canada we are second from the left, the one with the slightly mischievous grin and the kiss curl. In American terms we are Texas without the pistols and Arizona without the ungodly heat plus we have one tenth of the illegal immigrants in the aforementioned states.

As such we are considered by the rest of Canada (ROC) to be the James Dean of confederation. Rebels without a clue if you will. Hillbillies who found oil beneath our feet just as easily as Uncle Jed when he fired that fateful shot into the swamp. Sadly, unlike you folk , very few of us have cement ponds and a nice granny. But I digress once again.

Calgary's claim to fame is the Calgary Stampede, ten days of balls to the walls boozing with a rodeo and chuckwagon races thrown in as an excuse. It began yesterday and we love it! One of the traditions of Stampede is pancake breakfasts where the eggs are cold, the bacon slimly and the pancakes doughy, all for free and served by minor celebrities (the channel 7 weather hottie) or our political idols.

The boys and I patiently waited in line to be served by Stephane. Lil Syncro got bored and lit up a joint (that brought up memories of his first Stampede when he was four, I nearly wept) and Syn and Dox started fighting over who was going to give our present to Stephane. Things very nearly got out of hand but I reminded the boys that if they didn't behave I would do the whole hundred lot of purple mike stashed at home myself. That dummied them up.

We eventually made it to the front of the line and Dox got so excited he made a big scene about getting our present out of his Kokanee (awesome beer) cooler backpack that the aroused the attention of Stephane's security
people.

In an instant we were peppered sprayed, beaten and tasered for good measure. When they discovered that we had only brought this great man a gross of plastic knives and forks for with which to eat his hotdawgs like he did last year, they parked the taser and the pepper spray in lieu of an old fashioned beating.

Syncro

p.s. I wrote this from my blackberry in the back of a paddy wagon...Wha...f@7ck you....over my dead.....No .....No not the tas......

That...ouch is ..ouch ...all!

The News From the North

As noted on the previous post I've had the opportunity to blog elsewhere.

The Peace Moonbeam Chronicles

The Peace Moonbean Chronicles and Scooters Report are both political satire sites in the United States with a long history and pedigree.

Recently I was offered the chance to kite a trial story TPMC and of course jumped at the offer. The following story below is as it appears linked.

Any and all feedback will be considered.

By our Canadian contributor, Syncrodox

June 30, 2008

First I would like to thank the incomparable Peace Moonbeam for the opportunity to share my observations from the semi-frozen north with her millions of progressive readers as well as the occasional regressive commenters (you know who you are).

That said, I feel a need to address a few of the historical indiscretions Canada has perpetrated on the United States. In the spirit of trans-national harmony, I would like to apologize for the War of 1812 and the whole “burning down the White House” episode (our bad) although the new one seems to be holding up well, despite the present occupant, but that's your problem. Regarding a more recent indiscretion, I apologize profusely for Celine Dion and what she did to Las Vegas! To think that what hard working Italian immigrants built in the harsh desert was nearly torn asunder by one anemic chanteuse from Quebec fills me with shame. She's back in Canada now and as soon as we can locate an ice flow she will be dealt with accordingly.

Which brings me to the topic of the day at The News from the North newsroom: Climate change. Not since the last time the climate changed has the change in climate been more pronounced and dangerous. As you may know we Canadians are experts on changing climate, often experiencing drastic and life-threatening changes in the climate as many as four times a year. As a result we have adapted ingenious strategies to cope with the greatest threat to mankind and Canadians in particular since the gonorrhea outbreak of 86. (Did I mention I'm Canadian?)

These innovations include toques, parkas, mitts (many connected by strings so you don't lose them), studded tires (they're not as sexy as they sound), sod houses, igloos, central heat, canoes, kayaks, rubber boots, mosquito repellents, cut-offs, beer, wind breakers and really big leaf rakes to name a few. I know some of the regular readers of The Peace Moonbeam Chronicles will be unfamiliar with many of these items but trust me,this is good stuff.

One of the most recent dramatic climate changes we've experienced is something we refer to as spring.This spring was exceptionally bad with the change from toques and mitts to rubber boots occurring virtually overnight. We were first alerted to the danger when the roof of our sod house began to leak prodigious amounts of water and the animals in the barn began raising a ruckus. Sensing the danger I leapt from beneath my sealskin blanky and awoke the kids.

Lil Syncro and his brothers Dox and Syn were unimpressed, but being good Canadians they slouched into action. (At this point I must share that I'm a single parent as Mrs. Dox left me and the kids some years ago to pursue her dream of becoming a bear whisperer. Sadly we haven’t heard from her since, but I digress…

Anyways, me and the boys managed to get the ’82 Ford Aerostar fired up and connected to the portable barn (formerly a 16 foot travel trailer). We headed out cross-country to my neighbor Noah's place. Noah is an odd character and has been mocked in these parts for building a canoe that nobody can portage but given the seriousness of the situation I knew he was the man we needed to see. Unfortunately the headlights on the Aerostar were burnt out and I managed to navigate us into the deepest part of the deluge. We barely escaped with our lives!

As daylight broke the clouds parted and we found ourselves washed ashore near Noah's ridiculously large canoe.The boys all made it but sadly we lost seventeen chickens, two goats, Arnold Ziffel XV, and both our gnus, “What” and “No”. They will be missed, especially No, as No gnus was a good gnus.

Since then I have devoted myself to mitigating climate change to the point that I'm now working for Canada's Barak Obama, Stephane Dion, except Dion is a pasty-white boring intellectual eating-a-hotdawg-with-a-knife-and-fork priss kind of guy, but the left-think is the same.

More about Stephane in coming posts but it just occurred to me, we aren't that different after all, are we?

Syncro

That is all.

PS: Happy Fourth!!

PSS: Any misrepresentations, impersonations or manipulations of persons, real or imagined, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental and not the responsibility of anybody.

That is all.

Posted by Peace Moonbeam on June 30, 2008 | Permalink

Check this Out

Hi All

I am currently else where.

here actually:



Syncro

A Double Double

Thank you Warren Kinsella.....the hypocrisy is palatable.....The stench is real....

The golden childof liberalism in Canada....the adopter of inuit children (is that too personal?)and the man behind "a proof is a proof" is playing the victim card.

But then....that's what he knows......

Is that all you have left?

Syncro

Double the hypocrisyy and half the guts.


Lloyd Snauwaert

Three

Garth Turner has once again pissed me off. Thanks Garth. It's about time I got off my ass. Mr. Turner drops his most recent pile of shit here.

As prolific and prosaic as this scumbag is he still can't hide his ignorance. I offer this as proof:


I learned 147 species a day are going extinct.

Wow Garth! 147 a day! How many days do you figure it will be before it's just us? But it gets worse.

That the seas will rise 20 millimetres in the next 40 years, and probably two millimetres in the next ten.

Wha? I thought it was 20 feet...Al said so.....Stephane concurred. Don't tell me this is a Gimli glider thing. It's all a horrible miscalculation from imperial to metric?

That each mm hike in the sea level floods one flat metre of coastal land. That 100 million people now live within one metre of the sea. And I got to wondering why it is we have political instability in Kenya, Pakistan, Iraq, Haiti, Afghanistan, Indonesia and most other countries which are environmentally stressed.

Garth....that is a impassioned plea for environmental justice.....the only problem here is that Afghanistan is landlocked.

Near as I can figure...you suck at math and geography. That's the best case scenario.

Syncro

Bali Blogging Bullshit

I have been following the Bali Blog of one Stephane Dion with interest. I mean who wouldn't? The leader of the natural governing party of Canada on the international stage playing to his stated strength. Compelling stuff!

As the Bali conference comes to a close I've decided to share what I learned from the little Professor who could. In no specific order:

1. Being leader of the official opposition in Canada is a great way to fill time and a real hoot!

The job of Opposition Leader is a demanding one – a great time-filler! The tight agenda that comes with the job sometimes leads to comical situations.

2. A sense of humor is relative....you know....kinda like why ten year old boys find fart jokes so fascinating.

Thus the date of December 11, 2007, which marks the 10th anniversary of the Kyoto Protocol, was celebrated here 13 hours before my home time. Standing before the cake that had been prepared to celebrate the occasion, I suddenly felt the pangs of doubt. You see, December 11 is also my wife Janine’s birthday! So had I committed the unforgivable sin of forgetting it or was I 13 hours ahead?

Thankfully, the second hypothesis was the right one and as I cut the Kyoto cake, I promised myself to bring her a gift from Bali and to call her at the end of my day to surprise her at the beginning of HER day.

3. Hypothesis' are nearly as funny as fart jokes.

4. Achieving Achievements is really spiffy.

The achievements that ICLEI’s actions have achieved since its creation in 1990 are impressive.

Chucker Canuck has a nice take on Achieving Achievements. Read it if you haven't already. Other achievements included:

Just spending a full day without having to change clothes is an achievement of sorts.

This brings back memories of my most culinary enthusiastic son as a toddler. A case of more on him than in him.

5. Don't eat the salad.

As everyone knows, a trip to a country as exotic as Indonesia, or Asia in general, necessitates some precautions when it comes time to sit down for a meal.

Here in Bali, the decor is fantastic, and everything in the restaurants looks excellent. I say ‘looks’ because the Health Canada warnings tell us, not just once but twice, to be careful never to eat anything raw, even salads.

With a schedule as full as mine, the opportunities to take the time for a nice, relaxing meal are fairly limited. So what to do when walking into a Japanese restaurant where the sushi and sashimi look so appetizing, or a restaurant where the salads look like works of art?

Some of my friends who work for non-governmental organizations (NGOs) have allowed themselves to be tempted. The result? Two days in bed with stomach cramps that make them regret having succumbed to temptation. They call it “Bali Belly”. And when you’re only in Bali for six days...

I suppose that explains the latter half of the previously claimed achievements....at least he didn't shit himself, although one wonders at Stephane's choice of friends.

6. Stephane has hand-eye coordination on the level of the average two year old boy and the star struck adulation of the average thirteen year old girl.

One of the main media attractions of this conference is without a doubt the famous solar taxi that has been ferrying high-profile personalities around the site, including New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg, former U.S. Vice-President Al Gore, and Bianca Jagger, who is a big fan of this Swiss invention, and about whom I will talk more, later in this blog.

First, I’d like to thank Louis Palmer and Thomas Gottschalk, who did exceptional work in developing a totally clean vehicle powered by solar energy.

Having seen the configuration of this vehicle, I preferred being a passenger rather than driving it, so as to avoid any mishaps.

Good thinking Stephane, now staying away from the levers of power might not be a bad idea either eh?

7. Stephane and the Goracle share a passionate nature.

The result of much planning, this meeting proved to be very friendly and Mr. Gore showed himself to be very generous with his time and advice, despite a schedule that we know to be very full. Our passionate nature was a way for us to connect, and to persevere in the pursuit of our common goals.

One word....Creepy.

8. You can sure pick up the babes in Bali with one of them solar rides.

My meeting with the team of inventors of the famous solar taxi allowed me to get a meeting with Bianca Jagger, who has for many years dedicated herself to the cause of protecting the environment. She is currently President of the World Future Council, based in London.

She had asked to meet me in order to find out more about Canada’s position, which she doesn’t share or understand. I talked with her about the Canadian reality and the issues we are facing. Our role in Opposition is to remain vigilant in the face of a government – a minority government, remember – that doesn’t represent in any way the views of Canadians, particularly when it comes to the environment and climate change.

I was surprised by her vast knowledge of environmental issues, but also by the strength of her determination to effect change.

According to Stephane not all the chicks that banged members of the Stones are stone stupid. I would have been surprised also. And as far as speaking for Canadians......well we all know you ain't Canadian if you ain't Liberal.

A most excellent adventure dude!

Syncro