Saturday, July 05, 2008
Hot on the heels of my recent foray into the American blogosphere I have managed to come up with another bit of crapulence. I have been inspired to write this drivel by my mysterious friend Peace Moonbeam of The Peace Moonbeam Chronicles. Peace takes unfocused idiots like myself and Scooter Van Neuter under her wing and turns them into martyrs! I have heard through the grapevine that Scooter will soon relaunch his award winning site (Scooters Report) as soon as the Librium"shock therapy" is complete. Watch for it.
Anyways, As commissioned by the boss.
I must warn you that this is a cautionary tale about geeks bearing gifts.
The News From the North
The boys and I have been excited all week in anticipation of the great leaders visit to Calgary. Of course I'm speaking of Stephane Dion, the leader of the official opposition and the head of the Liberal Party of Canada. Stephane has staked his political fortunes and the very survival of this nation (should he assume power in the coming election) on his brilliant "Green Shift" taxation program. The central theme of this program is that "carbon emitting" provinces like Alberta and Saskatchewan will be heavily taxed for our crimes against Ghia in an effort to fund more social programs for poor Jamacan immigrant youth in Toronto. You people would refer to them as gangbangers but we Canadians have refined the terms.
For those of you unfamiliar with Canadian geography, Calgary is located in the southwest portion of Alberta. If you look at a map of Canada we are second from the left, the one with the slightly mischievous grin and the kiss curl. In American terms we are Texas without the pistols and Arizona without the ungodly heat plus we have one tenth of the illegal immigrants in the aforementioned states.
As such we are considered by the rest of Canada (ROC) to be the James Dean of confederation. Rebels without a clue if you will. Hillbillies who found oil beneath our feet just as easily as Uncle Jed when he fired that fateful shot into the swamp. Sadly, unlike you folk , very few of us have cement ponds and a nice granny. But I digress once again.
Calgary's claim to fame is the Calgary Stampede, ten days of balls to the walls boozing with a rodeo and chuckwagon races thrown in as an excuse. It began yesterday and we love it! One of the traditions of Stampede is pancake breakfasts where the eggs are cold, the bacon slimly and the pancakes doughy, all for free and served by minor celebrities (the channel 7 weather hottie) or our political idols.
The boys and I patiently waited in line to be served by Stephane. Lil Syncro got bored and lit up a joint (that brought up memories of his first Stampede when he was four, I nearly wept) and Syn and Dox started fighting over who was going to give our present to Stephane. Things very nearly got out of hand but I reminded the boys that if they didn't behave I would do the whole hundred lot of purple mike stashed at home myself. That dummied them up.
We eventually made it to the front of the line and Dox got so excited he made a big scene about getting our present out of his Kokanee (awesome beer) cooler backpack that the aroused the attention of Stephane's security
In an instant we were peppered sprayed, beaten and tasered for good measure. When they discovered that we had only brought this great man a gross of plastic knives and forks for with which to eat his hotdawgs like he did last year, they parked the taser and the pepper spray in lieu of an old fashioned beating.
p.s. I wrote this from my blackberry in the back of a paddy wagon...Wha...f@7ck you....over my dead.....No .....No not the tas......
That...ouch is ..ouch ...all!
Wednesday, July 02, 2008
The Peace Moonbeam Chronicles
The Peace Moonbean Chronicles and Scooters Report are both political satire sites in the United States with a long history and pedigree.
Recently I was offered the chance to kite a trial story TPMC and of course jumped at the offer. The following story below is as it appears linked.
Any and all feedback will be considered.
By our Canadian contributor, Syncrodox
June 30, 2008
First I would like to thank the incomparable Peace Moonbeam for the opportunity to share my observations from the semi-frozen north with her millions of progressive readers as well as the occasional regressive commenters (you know who you are).
That said, I feel a need to address a few of the historical indiscretions Canada has perpetrated on the United States. In the spirit of trans-national harmony, I would like to apologize for the War of 1812 and the whole “burning down the White House” episode (our bad) although the new one seems to be holding up well, despite the present occupant, but that's your problem. Regarding a more recent indiscretion, I apologize profusely for Celine Dion and what she did to Las Vegas! To think that what hard working Italian immigrants built in the harsh desert was nearly torn asunder by one anemic chanteuse from Quebec fills me with shame. She's back in Canada now and as soon as we can locate an ice flow she will be dealt with accordingly.
Which brings me to the topic of the day at The News from the North newsroom: Climate change. Not since the last time the climate changed has the change in climate been more pronounced and dangerous. As you may know we Canadians are experts on changing climate, often experiencing drastic and life-threatening changes in the climate as many as four times a year. As a result we have adapted ingenious strategies to cope with the greatest threat to mankind and Canadians in particular since the gonorrhea outbreak of 86. (Did I mention I'm Canadian?)
These innovations include toques, parkas, mitts (many connected by strings so you don't lose them), studded tires (they're not as sexy as they sound), sod houses, igloos, central heat, canoes, kayaks, rubber boots, mosquito repellents, cut-offs, beer, wind breakers and really big leaf rakes to name a few. I know some of the regular readers of The Peace Moonbeam Chronicles will be unfamiliar with many of these items but trust me,this is good stuff.
One of the most recent dramatic climate changes we've experienced is something we refer to as spring.This spring was exceptionally bad with the change from toques and mitts to rubber boots occurring virtually overnight. We were first alerted to the danger when the roof of our sod house began to leak prodigious amounts of water and the animals in the barn began raising a ruckus. Sensing the danger I leapt from beneath my sealskin blanky and awoke the kids.
Lil Syncro and his brothers Dox and Syn were unimpressed, but being good Canadians they slouched into action. (At this point I must share that I'm a single parent as Mrs. Dox left me and the kids some years ago to pursue her dream of becoming a bear whisperer. Sadly we haven’t heard from her since, but I digress…
Anyways, me and the boys managed to get the ’82 Ford Aerostar fired up and connected to the portable barn (formerly a 16 foot travel trailer). We headed out cross-country to my neighbor Noah's place. Noah is an odd character and has been mocked in these parts for building a canoe that nobody can portage but given the seriousness of the situation I knew he was the man we needed to see. Unfortunately the headlights on the Aerostar were burnt out and I managed to navigate us into the deepest part of the deluge. We barely escaped with our lives!
As daylight broke the clouds parted and we found ourselves washed ashore near Noah's ridiculously large canoe.The boys all made it but sadly we lost seventeen chickens, two goats, Arnold Ziffel XV, and both our gnus, “What” and “No”. They will be missed, especially No, as No gnus was a good gnus.
Since then I have devoted myself to mitigating climate change to the point that I'm now working for Canada's Barak Obama, Stephane Dion, except Dion is a pasty-white boring intellectual eating-a-hotdawg-with-a-knife-and-fork priss kind of guy, but the left-think is the same.
More about Stephane in coming posts but it just occurred to me, we aren't that different after all, are we?
That is all.
PS: Happy Fourth!!
PSS: Any misrepresentations, impersonations or manipulations of persons, real or imagined, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental and not the responsibility of anybody.
That is all.
Posted by Peace Moonbeam on June 30, 2008 | Permalink