Monday, December 01, 2008

Bye Bye Canadian Pride....

With all due respect to Don Mclean... In light of the recent devoplement regarding the Canadian parliament I thought a Canadian version of American pie was in order.

This is it:

A long long time ago
I can still remeber
How the pollies used to make me smile...
and if I knew I had a chance
to make those sleazy weasels dance
and maybe they'd be silent for awhile

and global warming made me shiver
with every paper I deliver
bad news on the dorstep
I couldnt take one more step
I can't rember if I cried
when I read about the apartiad
but something grabed me deep inside
"The Day the Union Died".

Bye bye Canadian Pride
Got the lefties pull'in shifties cause the money run dry
The good ol boys were behind the lie
Singin' this will be the day of Progri
This will be the day of Progri...

Did you write the book of pro?
And do you have faith in hippie love
Did Barak Obama tell you so?
Now did you believe The Daily Show
Can Gilles Duceppe run the show?
And can you screw me real slow

Well I know you're a whore for power things
cause I heard you yapping in the wings
Ya both kicked out you're clues
Man I dig the loser cues
I was a lonely right wing out of luck
But I knew I was really fuckked
The day the union died.

( chorus)


Saturday, November 08, 2008

Obamalot and other Fantasies

Pollsters and headline writers piss me off. The former have become a force for shaping opinion rather than measuring it and the latter are totally devoid of any sense of irony. Case in point this piece of crap from Angus Reid, Environics and the Vancouver Sun.

Canada swooned over president-elect Obama

Nation was intellectually, emotionally engaged in Tuesday's U.S. election, pollster says

I call bullshit. If the nation was intellectually engaged in the US election some questions would have been raised about "Hope" as a policy statement.

I hope to marry a rich supermodel who will bring me beers and BLT's on demand while I watch NASCAR races but I don't think it's gonna happen. You see, the emotional or aspirational part of myself wishes this would happen but the intellectual bits clue me into the fact that the above scenario is highly unlikely.

Having accepted reality in my personal life, I seek the same in the greater world. Then I run across piffle like this:

"Canadians were not only intellectually engaged by the U.S. election but also emotionally engaged," Michael Adams, president of the polling and social research firm Environics, said.

And most of us, according to polls, got the ending we wanted Tuesday night: victory for the cerebral and cool Obama whose centrist, socially-liberal policies are closer to the attitudes that define Canada's political culture.

"Here we are a multicultural country with cities like Vancouver and Toronto which will soon have a majority of minorities -- and so Obama kind of looks like the direction in which we are going," Adams said.

"But the major thing is that he's not George W. Bush."

Bush derangement syndrome aside, did Environics not poll in the Canadian election three weeks ago? Are they not aware that the natural governing party were wiped out in all but the decayed centers of our largest cities and Newfoundland. Danny Millions did his best on the rock and was aided and abbetted by the fact that most of the Newfs worth their weight in salt are out west working. As far as the cores of our crapulent cities appears the leftards have created ethnic, cultural and moral ghetto's with the sole purpose of hanging on to power. Guess what, it isn't working. Canada, if anything, moved slightly to the right in this last election despite the best efforts of the MSM to portray Harper as a Bush lackey. As a matter of fact the Conservative Party of Canada made inroads in the very ethnic communities that the Liberals have cultivated. Instead of hearing the story of incremental conservatism we get this garbage:

And this year we swooned over Obama despite warnings from conservative Canadian pundits about his protectionist tendencies.

Simon Fraser University historian Michael Fellman said that he doesn't expect that the Obama administration will reopen free trade with Canada.

And, in any event, Canada's interest in American politics goes far beyond the minutiae of bilateral trade provisions, he said.

The minutia of bilateral trade provisions? Are you fucking kidding me? Almost 80% of Canada's GDP is Dependant on trade with the U.S. and this qualifies as minutia. Oh yea...the hope and change meme is really the important bit isn't it?

Obama's win has given Canadians -- as much as Americans -- a reason to be optimistic about the future, he said.

"Circumstances have given meaning to what he means by change," Fellman said.

"The economic crisis has made everybody realize that there has to be more regulation, that wildfire capitalism is dreadful. The argument that government is the problem is as dead as a doornail."

Pollster Marzolini said that Canadians have also felt closer to the Democrats than the Republicans because of the party's social conservatism.

"Religion doesn't play the same role here that it does south of the border," Marzolini said. He recalled how fears that Stockwell Day believed in creationism undermined his appeal as leader of the Canadian Alliance during the 2000 election.

What? No mention of the Clinton administration's role in the sub-prime meltdown? The pressure applied to Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac to front loans to people who in all likelihood could not make the payments? Granted the masters of the universe (see The Vanity of the Bonfires) packaged these mortgages into financial 'instruments" for the sole purpose of padding their wallets and pulled it off by promising fat returns to greedy baby boomer investors. The end result was a whole shitload of imaginary money disappearing. Go figure.

More interesting is pollster Marzolini, If I remember correctly this is the man who recently polled for the LPC and failed to get Stephane Dionne off the Green Shaft platform. Good for Canada and bad for Steffy. But I digress, Marziolini postulates that religion is not a factor north of the 49th and then cites Warren Kinsella's hatchet job on Stockwell Day as an example? In case you don't remember, WK went on Canada AM with a Barney the Purple Dinasour to mock Day's religious beliefs, a faith Stockwell apparently shares with the Big O. Go figure once again.

So what did Barry really accomplish? Back to the pollsters:

He managed to take a platform that would suit Canadians, as well as Americans, and give it a lot of excitement and hope and optimism.

Bullshit, that's what Barry accomplished, pure unadulterated bullshit. Excitement , hope and discernible policy, no actual goals...just a cagey appeal to sentiment and emotion.

The pollsters are now trying to shape the post election opinion and the headline writers pretend intellect was part of the process.

Good grief.


Tip of The Hat to Warren Kinsella:

For proving my point I doff my Dale Earndheart Jr. #88 cap in respect.

Monday, November 03, 2008

Heather Mallick..... Self Satirist Extrodonairre

I'm sure many of you've seen the Billy Crystal/Robert De Nero movie Analyse This. You know the one where Crystal plays the unwilling shrink to De Nero's psychopathic mob boss. In the movie De Nero is brilliant as he satirizes every mob character he ever played, he hams it up as an insecure killer who becomes reliant on Crystal to deal with his anxieties and maintain his grip on his underworld empire. In the cinematic world De Nero's performance was a tour de force of self satire. I loved it.

I think I may have found the journalistic equivalent of De Nero's self satire in a recent piece by our very own Heather Mallick.

You may recall that Heather gained international notoriety for a hate filled screed directed at Sarah Palin, her family and republicans in general entitled A Mighty Wind Blows Through Republican Convention. Right wing bloggers reacted with disdain and soon the MSM in the US were on her case. Fox News took up the cause with the corresponding backlash causing the CBC to eventually issue an apology and Heather to decry the viscousness of the reaction to her musings. Rumor has it Heather was called on the carpet and told to reform her ways. Hence the new, self satirical Heather Mallick.

To illustrate how far Heather has come on her artistic journey to the confidence required for self satire I thought a little compare and contrast might be in order. Heather's most recent piece is entitled "Obamaland vs. McCainworld: The Decision".

For the purposes of clarity I'll refer to Heather's journalistic bit as "A Wind Blows" and her satire bit as "Obamaland".

In no particular order here are some of the funnier bits: Oh!!!!...Try to read Heather's italicized nuggets with an affected English's much more authentic that way.

A Wind Blows:

Palin has a toned-down version of the porn actress look favoured by this decade's woman, the overtreated hair, puffy lips and permanently alarmed expression.


Primed as I am to find marriage intrinsically funny, I still didn't find the charade of the McCain marriage amusing at all. Cindy McCain was a pretty, happy young woman when she made the decision to marry a starchy rage-filled man making up for lost time; she seems to have had a subsequent hellish life that money has done nothing to improve.

She was a thin, peeled white nerve placed precariously behind her stubby husband. I don't know what helped her survive the campaign but I hope her doctors were compassionate with prescriptions.

A Wind Blows:

Bristol has what is known in Britain as the look of the teen mum, the "pramface." Husband Todd looks like a roughneck; Track, heading off to Iraq, appears terrified. They claim to be family obsessed while being studiously terrible at parenting. What normal father would want Levi "I'm a fuckin' redneck" Johnson prodding his daughter?


The campaign was marked by the presence of the young.

College students were mad for Obama. And even babies liked him; they respond to calmness and quiet assurance in adults and they sat placidly in his arms.

It was good to see a candidate who has young children. For that's when an adult is most impatient for improvement in the world, when it's a fixer-upper he might eventually be able to show off to his kids.

A Wind Blows:

I assume John McCain chose Sarah Palin as his vice-presidential partner in a fit of pique because the Republican money men refused to let him have the stuffed male shirt he really wanted. She added nothing to the ticket that the Republicans didn't already have sewn up, the white trash vote, the demographic that sullies America's name inside and outside its borders yet has such a curious appeal for the right.


The word that stayed in my mind as the campaign dragged on through the collapse of the world's economic structure was "hobo." We're all going to be hobos.

I would imagine myself packing up my bindle and setting out on the road in overalls and a pair of Roots boots. Train whistles, boxcars, hot soup, sleeping under a bridge, misery, fear, scrawny children with bite marks on their faces. A heartless Annie Leibovitz would be our Dorothea Lange.

It didn't matter how secure or insecure we really were during the fall of '08; we watched McCain and Obama fight it out and figured we'd all be Tom Joads pretty soon.

If McCain wins, sooner than that, I bet, and there'll be riots too.

A Wind Blows:

Palin has it all, along with being vicious and profoundly dishonest.


But I'm glad it's over. It has been a degrading, unedifying spectacle. Besides, voting day means Obama won't again be speaking to tens of thousands of people in Minneapolis or Denver . He'll be home, safer from the one bullet that has so often served to bring an already violent nation to its knees.

It has taken Americans decades to drag themselves back up to a standing position since Robert F. Kennedy Jr. died and there are no words for how heartbreaking it would be if the bullet were used again.

This is how beaten down we have become, that we're grateful when a politician physically survives the campaign. And I'll be grateful not to have to watch John McCain make a fool of himself anymore.

That's classic satirical shit there Heather......I'm impressed and in awe.


Friday, October 31, 2008

Why do They Let Idiots on Airplanes?

So, I'm sitting at the puter surfin the net and listening to my favorite talk/news station when word comes that Canada's premier leftard activist has just made a high level pass over northern Alberta.

Following the flightpath of pioneering leftards like Stephane Dionne and David Suzuki we now have Maude Barlow taking wing in an effort to shut down the oilsands. Unlike Steph and Dave, Maude is taking a different tact. The instrument of destruction is no longer Co2, that's so yesterday......It's the water people!

With skepticism about Anthropic Global Warming increasing amongst the unwashed masses the left is feathering the prop.

Maude Barlow, the recently appointed United Nations Czar of water is slapping her beaver tail to warn the rest of us beavers about the coming doom. Now water is Maude's area of expertise and having toned down her American hating schtick with the rise of the big O, she is properly positioned to chastise big oil.

What all these high flying leftards have never done is set foot on the Muskeg. Think slough with twice the mosquitos and half the charm. That's the bush side of it but Maude's real beef here is the water. Fair enough.

Having spent a good portion of my younger days either in or on the Athabasca, Clearwater and Horse I will point out to Maude that the oil leaks into the rivers naturally. Pitch the Cree in the area call it. Great stuff for patching canoes as explorer Peter Pond discovered in the 1780's.

A viscous tar like substance that literally oozes out of the steep banks along the aforementioned rivers, oilsands or tarsands is literally the lifeblood of the region and in fact a huge contributor to the financial life of this nation.

Maude would shut down all development of this NATURAL resource because some oil might get into the river. If she had bothered to get near the water, rather than jetting over the area, she might have discovered that the oil is, was and will always be a part of the 'natural" environment.

Details like that are hard to see from on high.

I hate pretentious idiots.


P.S. Maude if you happen to catch this I recommend you rethink The Lord Of The Rings reference because you're looking and sounding more and more like Gollum each day.

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

I Was Wrong...My Depth of Shame is Only Surpassed by My Newfound Enthusiasm!!

I was wrong...horribly wrong!... In prematurely writing Stephane Dionne's political obit I missed the obvious. Although it is true he has relinquished the leadership of the LPC, I did not account for the groundswell of grassroots support this wily politician had in reserve.

In the era of digital democracy nothing is certain and the case for Stephane illustrates the power of the people. An evolving on-line petition aimed at convincing Stephane Dionne to stay on as leader of the LPC is at this very moment gaining momentum.

Canadians from all walks of life are swamping the site to show their support for the little intellectual who would. Directly from the site I've taken the liberty of lifting some of the more poignant pleas.

From Family

555.Celine Dion He's my brother!

From the Gay Community

549.Niel and Bob You can come over to the gay rights party, it's just a party and BYOB.

From Stoners

538.The Marijuana Party Our only hope to have marijuana legal is gone

Meat Eaters

533.J.C. Reid QC Stephane Dion is one BIG THANKSGIVING TURKEY & Conservatives are still giving thanks. ARGH!

The young

Larry .....Can I please have some more Kool Aid please?

Rural Canadians

405.Celmo Muckridge Why that speech Mr. Dijon gave on the picture box near made me cry. I swear that is a smrt man and he don't deserve no shuckin and trashin like he done got. Yesiree that man is smrt.


598.Mother Cherniak Stephane gives my boy a reason to live


480.P.E. Trudeau A true Liberal intellectueal and he should tap into his Dionmania side.

The Compassionate

310.Scott Janke Can't we just let him start over again?

Not so much

307.D. Legace Stephane should stay but not as leader. We can find him a spot in the mail room

It's clear to this citizen reporter that a political groundswell is afoot. At the time of this filing nearly one thousand Canadians had weighed in support of Dear leader Dionne.

More as this develops:



I've just checked the "Stephane is a Leader" site and just as I suspected the tsunami of support for Steph is swelling. As the poll surges towards the millennium mark many more concerned Canadians are speaking out.

More Moms

878.Dion's Mom Stephane..did you clean your room like I asked you to?


848.John McCallum (again) Stephane, I drink to your success! Burp!

There have been instances of cyber-vandalism on the site including:

Grumpy old men

790.David Suzuki You did it all wrong, you idiot. we need someone else

Grumpier old men

668.jackass stop encouraging him...

All in all the fate of a defeated/interim/retired leader is in the balance and an
anxious nation waits.

Sunday, October 19, 2008

I Come not to Praise Stephane but to Bury Him.

The backpack toting little intellectual who epitomized the ivory tower arrogance of the LPC is all but politically buried. The funeral will be held tomorrow, in lieu of flowers the Librano family asks that donations be made in his name to The Liebral Party of Canada.

Stephane was a shining example of Liberal political expediency. He first gained national recognition for adopting and championing The Clarity Act on Quebec Separation. In true Liberal form he failed to recognize the true authors of the act, Preston Manning and Stephen Harper.

Stephane was also Environment Minister under Jean Cretien and participated in negotiations around the Koyoto Accord on Greenhouse Gas Emissions. As Environment Minister he spouted many platitudes and did nothing to meet the contract his government signed.

Stephane surprised many when he won the leadership of the LPC in 2006 with a symbolic array of green scarfs and vows to slay the Co2 dragon. This led to his Green Shift Carbon Tax for social welfare programs approach to potential governance. Given the apparent global cooling and increasing global economic uncertainty, Green Shift was seen as taxation without justification. Done deal.

Stephane was pre-deceased by Jason Cherniak, Garth Turner and any semblance of principle within the LPC.

Stephane is politically survived by a bankrupt party, his professorial pals Bob and Iggy, Jane Taber, Craig Oliver, Jim Travers and TorStar (for now), Justin Trudeau, Warren Kinsella and a myriad of socialist Canadians who are entitled to their entitlements.

He will be sadly missed by both large and small C conservatives alike.

Viewing tomorrow @ 2:00 pm EST, internment in academia to follow.


Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The Day After

Out of respect for Stephane Dionne and all he has done to advance the conservative cause in Canada I have temporarily changed the name of my blog to Stay Stephane Stay.

I'll speak from the heart for a moment and say this: Not since Preston Manning has one man done so much to expose the inadequacies of liberalism. From intellectual superiority through moral and practical turbidity...from the depths of entitlement through the breadth of arrogance...You, Stephane have it all in spades. For these and other qualities I will go on record as advocating for your lifetime appointment as leader of The Liberal Party of Canada. There is no better man for the job. Hang on Steffy....hang on!

That said....I must address my predictions. Sadly some of them were inaccurate. Point by point:

1. So far no word from Warren Kinsella vis a vis his tactical brilliance. It seems he's preoccupied with commentary on the final presidential debate and the untimely passing of Franki Venom. As one of the founders of Canadian punk legend Shit From Hell one can understand how a middle aged punker might be too devastated to toot his own horn.

Result: Indeterminate

2. Jack didn't claim victory but my kitchen table is happy.

Result: 1/2 point

3. I gassed this one. Heddy Fry did in fact retain Vancouver Center and all the junkies quit doing heroin.

Result 0 points

4. I pretty much nailed this one. Garth lost and announced he will be printing a book as well as heading south to give advice to American realtor's. Garth really knows how to pick a nag..doesn't he?

Results 1 point

5. Lizzie lost. The other stuff was just my romantic sense of karma.

Result 3/4 point

6. Nailed this one too the tee.

Result 1 point

7. Of all my predictions this one grieves me the most. I will miss Frodo. The market for unintended satire has crashed with no savior on the horizon. These are dark days indeed. You should really read it all....the part about the Chinese made me weep. Nuff said.

Result 1 1/4 point

8. Stephane came through and earned the tittle of the greatest political strategist the Conservative party never had. His issy fit was short and as passive aggressive as on would expect.

Result 1 point

9. Nailed this one also . Incremental change. Decisive action when you have to.

Result 1 point

10. This one remains to be seen.

Result 0 points

Six and a half out of ten ain't that bad....but there are still balls in the air.


p.s. Stay...Stephane ....Sttaaayyyyyy!!!

Update: Someone by the handle of Warren K left a charming although somewhat off topic comment. Thanks for dropping by Mr. K and good luck with your reading lessons.

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Election Day Predictions

Today being the big day I decided to regale you all with some poignant predictions. In no particular order:

1. Regardless of the overall outcome, Warren Kinsella will claim he knew better....many within the LPC will swoon with awe and admiration.

2. Wacko Jacko will claim tables and main streets around the country will feel appreciated.

3. Hedy Fry will be out moonbatted in Vancouver-Center...The MSM will proclaim this as a breakthrough for the Greens (as opposed to the Red-Greens). None will acknowledge the moonbattery of voting patterns in Vancouver-Center. The influx of heroin addicts to St. Pauls will continue unabated.

4. Garth Turner will lose his seat in Halton. After painful minutes of self introspection he will announce the opening of his MeMeMe Museum. It will honor the memory of digital democracy as well as marketing bi-polar investment advice. Buy Nortel!!!

5. Elizabeth May will lose to Peter Mckay. In a fit of pique Liz will renounce her Canadian citizenship and vow to become an American community organizer in the ACORN/Barry Obama tradition. A disenfranchised, unemployed, recycling technition (bottle collector)will find her overbite enchanting. The seeds of a second Camelot will be sewn.

6. Bob Rae and Michael Ignatief will win their seats although not the one they really desire. Knife sales in Canada will peak October 15/08.

7. Frodo Cherniak will be forever scared from his experience on Mt. Doom. As with his namesake he will quietly fade into oblivion. Those of us on the interweb with a taste for unintended satire will mourn.

8. Stephane Dionne will uncharacteristically collapse into a blathering puddle of recrimination and self pity. Nobody will be surprised.

9. Stephen Harper will accept a strengthened minority mandate and continue with incremental changes. Pragmatism will prevail.

10. The frothing left will despair until we start this process over again in 22 months.


disclaimer: The opinions, attitudes and predictions of the author are in no way, shape or form reflective of Syncrodox Sez.

Syncrodox Sez reserves the right to denounce any or all of the above to cover my ass. Thanks Frodo!

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Stephane Dionne's Top Ten Excuses

Stephane Dionne's Top Ten Reasons Why He Couldn't Answer the Question

1. My dog Koyoto...he ate my hanswer.

2. Bob and Higgy de treaten to give me da wedgie hif I say hanything!

3. Hit has never hoccured to me dat I might be Prime Minister.

4. In university I hask de questions!

5. I ave a hard time to ear the music of the hinglesh language....Could you sing da question?

6. Dis question of da heconomy is biased.......what about herconomy?

7. I ave a disability....I ham ard of hunderstanding.

8. Do you tink it's izzy to make sense?


10. I may be dense but Mr. Arper is FAT.....

Monday, October 06, 2008

Cherniak, Turner and Kinsella A Metaphor in the Making?

During an election that has seen the "coming of age" of the blogosphere we still manage to have our juvenile delinquents, Some by geek, some by cheap and yet others by design.

Design first. He of the war room...the kicker of asses...presides not over the battle field but snipes at the knaves...Cheap....snipes randomly and clings to the Esther of Shaye...and he of the geek...the geek lives in oblivion to fight another day!


Saturday, July 05, 2008

News From The North Updated, Crosslinked, Userfriendly and Generally Asinine

Hi All!

Hot on the heels of my recent foray into the American blogosphere I have managed to come up with another bit of crapulence. I have been inspired to write this drivel by my mysterious friend Peace Moonbeam of The Peace Moonbeam Chronicles. Peace takes unfocused idiots like myself and Scooter Van Neuter under her wing and turns them into martyrs! I have heard through the grapevine that Scooter will soon relaunch his award winning site (Scooters Report) as soon as the Librium"shock therapy" is complete. Watch for it.

Anyways, As commissioned by the boss.

I must warn you that this is a cautionary tale about geeks bearing gifts.

Nuff said:

The News From the North

The boys and I have been excited all week in anticipation of the great leaders visit to Calgary. Of course I'm speaking of Stephane Dion, the leader of the official opposition and the head of the Liberal Party of Canada. Stephane has staked his political fortunes and the very survival of this nation (should he assume power in the coming election) on his brilliant "Green Shift" taxation program. The central theme of this program is that "carbon emitting" provinces like Alberta and Saskatchewan will be heavily taxed for our crimes against Ghia in an effort to fund more social programs for poor Jamacan immigrant youth in Toronto. You people would refer to them as gangbangers but we Canadians have refined the terms.

For those of you unfamiliar with Canadian geography, Calgary is located in the southwest portion of Alberta. If you look at a map of Canada we are second from the left, the one with the slightly mischievous grin and the kiss curl. In American terms we are Texas without the pistols and Arizona without the ungodly heat plus we have one tenth of the illegal immigrants in the aforementioned states.

As such we are considered by the rest of Canada (ROC) to be the James Dean of confederation. Rebels without a clue if you will. Hillbillies who found oil beneath our feet just as easily as Uncle Jed when he fired that fateful shot into the swamp. Sadly, unlike you folk , very few of us have cement ponds and a nice granny. But I digress once again.

Calgary's claim to fame is the Calgary Stampede, ten days of balls to the walls boozing with a rodeo and chuckwagon races thrown in as an excuse. It began yesterday and we love it! One of the traditions of Stampede is pancake breakfasts where the eggs are cold, the bacon slimly and the pancakes doughy, all for free and served by minor celebrities (the channel 7 weather hottie) or our political idols.

The boys and I patiently waited in line to be served by Stephane. Lil Syncro got bored and lit up a joint (that brought up memories of his first Stampede when he was four, I nearly wept) and Syn and Dox started fighting over who was going to give our present to Stephane. Things very nearly got out of hand but I reminded the boys that if they didn't behave I would do the whole hundred lot of purple mike stashed at home myself. That dummied them up.

We eventually made it to the front of the line and Dox got so excited he made a big scene about getting our present out of his Kokanee (awesome beer) cooler backpack that the aroused the attention of Stephane's security

In an instant we were peppered sprayed, beaten and tasered for good measure. When they discovered that we had only brought this great man a gross of plastic knives and forks for with which to eat his hotdawgs like he did last year, they parked the taser and the pepper spray in lieu of an old fashioned beating.


p.s. I wrote this from my blackberry in the back of a paddy wagon...Wha...f@7ck you....over my dead.....No .....No not the tas......

That...ouch is ..ouch ...all!

Wednesday, July 02, 2008

The News From the North

As noted on the previous post I've had the opportunity to blog elsewhere.

The Peace Moonbeam Chronicles

The Peace Moonbean Chronicles and Scooters Report are both political satire sites in the United States with a long history and pedigree.

Recently I was offered the chance to kite a trial story TPMC and of course jumped at the offer. The following story below is as it appears linked.

Any and all feedback will be considered.

By our Canadian contributor, Syncrodox

June 30, 2008

First I would like to thank the incomparable Peace Moonbeam for the opportunity to share my observations from the semi-frozen north with her millions of progressive readers as well as the occasional regressive commenters (you know who you are).

That said, I feel a need to address a few of the historical indiscretions Canada has perpetrated on the United States. In the spirit of trans-national harmony, I would like to apologize for the War of 1812 and the whole “burning down the White House” episode (our bad) although the new one seems to be holding up well, despite the present occupant, but that's your problem. Regarding a more recent indiscretion, I apologize profusely for Celine Dion and what she did to Las Vegas! To think that what hard working Italian immigrants built in the harsh desert was nearly torn asunder by one anemic chanteuse from Quebec fills me with shame. She's back in Canada now and as soon as we can locate an ice flow she will be dealt with accordingly.

Which brings me to the topic of the day at The News from the North newsroom: Climate change. Not since the last time the climate changed has the change in climate been more pronounced and dangerous. As you may know we Canadians are experts on changing climate, often experiencing drastic and life-threatening changes in the climate as many as four times a year. As a result we have adapted ingenious strategies to cope with the greatest threat to mankind and Canadians in particular since the gonorrhea outbreak of 86. (Did I mention I'm Canadian?)

These innovations include toques, parkas, mitts (many connected by strings so you don't lose them), studded tires (they're not as sexy as they sound), sod houses, igloos, central heat, canoes, kayaks, rubber boots, mosquito repellents, cut-offs, beer, wind breakers and really big leaf rakes to name a few. I know some of the regular readers of The Peace Moonbeam Chronicles will be unfamiliar with many of these items but trust me,this is good stuff.

One of the most recent dramatic climate changes we've experienced is something we refer to as spring.This spring was exceptionally bad with the change from toques and mitts to rubber boots occurring virtually overnight. We were first alerted to the danger when the roof of our sod house began to leak prodigious amounts of water and the animals in the barn began raising a ruckus. Sensing the danger I leapt from beneath my sealskin blanky and awoke the kids.

Lil Syncro and his brothers Dox and Syn were unimpressed, but being good Canadians they slouched into action. (At this point I must share that I'm a single parent as Mrs. Dox left me and the kids some years ago to pursue her dream of becoming a bear whisperer. Sadly we haven’t heard from her since, but I digress…

Anyways, me and the boys managed to get the ’82 Ford Aerostar fired up and connected to the portable barn (formerly a 16 foot travel trailer). We headed out cross-country to my neighbor Noah's place. Noah is an odd character and has been mocked in these parts for building a canoe that nobody can portage but given the seriousness of the situation I knew he was the man we needed to see. Unfortunately the headlights on the Aerostar were burnt out and I managed to navigate us into the deepest part of the deluge. We barely escaped with our lives!

As daylight broke the clouds parted and we found ourselves washed ashore near Noah's ridiculously large canoe.The boys all made it but sadly we lost seventeen chickens, two goats, Arnold Ziffel XV, and both our gnus, “What” and “No”. They will be missed, especially No, as No gnus was a good gnus.

Since then I have devoted myself to mitigating climate change to the point that I'm now working for Canada's Barak Obama, Stephane Dion, except Dion is a pasty-white boring intellectual eating-a-hotdawg-with-a-knife-and-fork priss kind of guy, but the left-think is the same.

More about Stephane in coming posts but it just occurred to me, we aren't that different after all, are we?


That is all.

PS: Happy Fourth!!

PSS: Any misrepresentations, impersonations or manipulations of persons, real or imagined, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental and not the responsibility of anybody.

That is all.


Tuesday, July 01, 2008

Check this Out

Hi All

I am currently else where.

here actually:


Monday, February 11, 2008

A Double Double

Thank you Warren Kinsella.....the hypocrisy is palatable.....The stench is real....

The golden childof liberalism in Canada....the adopter of inuit children (is that too personal?)and the man behind "a proof is a proof" is playing the victim card.

But then....that's what he knows......

Is that all you have left?


Double the hypocrisyy and half the guts.

Lloyd Snauwaert

Thursday, January 03, 2008


Garth Turner has once again pissed me off. Thanks Garth. It's about time I got off my ass. Mr. Turner drops his most recent pile of shit here.

As prolific and prosaic as this scumbag is he still can't hide his ignorance. I offer this as proof:

I learned 147 species a day are going extinct.

Wow Garth! 147 a day! How many days do you figure it will be before it's just us? But it gets worse.

That the seas will rise 20 millimetres in the next 40 years, and probably two millimetres in the next ten.

Wha? I thought it was 20 feet...Al said so.....Stephane concurred. Don't tell me this is a Gimli glider thing. It's all a horrible miscalculation from imperial to metric?

That each mm hike in the sea level floods one flat metre of coastal land. That 100 million people now live within one metre of the sea. And I got to wondering why it is we have political instability in Kenya, Pakistan, Iraq, Haiti, Afghanistan, Indonesia and most other countries which are environmentally stressed.

Garth....that is a impassioned plea for environmental justice.....the only problem here is that Afghanistan is landlocked.

Near as I can suck at math and geography. That's the best case scenario.