Wednesday, July 02, 2008

The News From the North

As noted on the previous post I've had the opportunity to blog elsewhere.

The Peace Moonbeam Chronicles

The Peace Moonbean Chronicles and Scooters Report are both political satire sites in the United States with a long history and pedigree.

Recently I was offered the chance to kite a trial story TPMC and of course jumped at the offer. The following story below is as it appears linked.

Any and all feedback will be considered.

By our Canadian contributor, Syncrodox

June 30, 2008

First I would like to thank the incomparable Peace Moonbeam for the opportunity to share my observations from the semi-frozen north with her millions of progressive readers as well as the occasional regressive commenters (you know who you are).

That said, I feel a need to address a few of the historical indiscretions Canada has perpetrated on the United States. In the spirit of trans-national harmony, I would like to apologize for the War of 1812 and the whole “burning down the White House” episode (our bad) although the new one seems to be holding up well, despite the present occupant, but that's your problem. Regarding a more recent indiscretion, I apologize profusely for Celine Dion and what she did to Las Vegas! To think that what hard working Italian immigrants built in the harsh desert was nearly torn asunder by one anemic chanteuse from Quebec fills me with shame. She's back in Canada now and as soon as we can locate an ice flow she will be dealt with accordingly.

Which brings me to the topic of the day at The News from the North newsroom: Climate change. Not since the last time the climate changed has the change in climate been more pronounced and dangerous. As you may know we Canadians are experts on changing climate, often experiencing drastic and life-threatening changes in the climate as many as four times a year. As a result we have adapted ingenious strategies to cope with the greatest threat to mankind and Canadians in particular since the gonorrhea outbreak of 86. (Did I mention I'm Canadian?)

These innovations include toques, parkas, mitts (many connected by strings so you don't lose them), studded tires (they're not as sexy as they sound), sod houses, igloos, central heat, canoes, kayaks, rubber boots, mosquito repellents, cut-offs, beer, wind breakers and really big leaf rakes to name a few. I know some of the regular readers of The Peace Moonbeam Chronicles will be unfamiliar with many of these items but trust me,this is good stuff.

One of the most recent dramatic climate changes we've experienced is something we refer to as spring.This spring was exceptionally bad with the change from toques and mitts to rubber boots occurring virtually overnight. We were first alerted to the danger when the roof of our sod house began to leak prodigious amounts of water and the animals in the barn began raising a ruckus. Sensing the danger I leapt from beneath my sealskin blanky and awoke the kids.

Lil Syncro and his brothers Dox and Syn were unimpressed, but being good Canadians they slouched into action. (At this point I must share that I'm a single parent as Mrs. Dox left me and the kids some years ago to pursue her dream of becoming a bear whisperer. Sadly we haven’t heard from her since, but I digress…

Anyways, me and the boys managed to get the ’82 Ford Aerostar fired up and connected to the portable barn (formerly a 16 foot travel trailer). We headed out cross-country to my neighbor Noah's place. Noah is an odd character and has been mocked in these parts for building a canoe that nobody can portage but given the seriousness of the situation I knew he was the man we needed to see. Unfortunately the headlights on the Aerostar were burnt out and I managed to navigate us into the deepest part of the deluge. We barely escaped with our lives!

As daylight broke the clouds parted and we found ourselves washed ashore near Noah's ridiculously large canoe.The boys all made it but sadly we lost seventeen chickens, two goats, Arnold Ziffel XV, and both our gnus, “What” and “No”. They will be missed, especially No, as No gnus was a good gnus.

Since then I have devoted myself to mitigating climate change to the point that I'm now working for Canada's Barak Obama, Stephane Dion, except Dion is a pasty-white boring intellectual eating-a-hotdawg-with-a-knife-and-fork priss kind of guy, but the left-think is the same.

More about Stephane in coming posts but it just occurred to me, we aren't that different after all, are we?


That is all.

PS: Happy Fourth!!

PSS: Any misrepresentations, impersonations or manipulations of persons, real or imagined, in whole or in part, is purely coincidental and not the responsibility of anybody.

That is all.



Scooter Van Neuter said...

Well, it obviously sucks.

syncrodox said...

Thanks for dropping by Scoots.

Your insights are duly noted and filed appropriately.


Peace Moonbeam said...

It reminds me of Shakespeare, but without all the drama.

Very nice.

syncrodox said...

Thank you Peace!

I've always considered Drama to be way overrated.