Monday, February 15, 2010

Heather Mallick Mounts the Pissy Podium

Perpetual whiner Heather Mallick is once again embarrassed to be Canadian. In a rambling ode to manic depression Heather hits all the lefty talking points.

Watch and learn, Brits. In 2012 you'll be like us: curled up like a shrimp on the couch, screaming as your prime minister – whoever he may be at that point – embarrasses you in public at the opening of the Olympic games.

Whenever Stephen Harper's big boxy grey-lidded head appeared on screen, with its wet smile (note on his hand: Try to grin like normal human), I would rant at anyone within hearing, ie, no one. "He's Bush with a mean streak, he's a Slytherin, we only gave him a minority government in a prolonged fit of pique." (Then I'd say it in French, out of bilingual idealism.)

Nice job Heather, a Gollum reference, a George Bush reference, a Sarah Palin reference, a Harry Potter reference a Natural Governing Party reference and a official bilingualism reference. But tell us how you really feel.

In Canada, we normally we have a House of Commons where our MPs vent on our behalf, but since Harper prorogued parliament (governing is so much more efficient without it, as one of his ministers put it) with the permission of the governor-general, we have nowhere else to go but the sofa.

Prorougation induced depression and poor editing...Good grief. Naturally it gets weirder.

For Canadians, the opening ceremonies in Vancouver on Friday were like watching your dad get drunk at a party. You love the guy, but my God, he isn't going to dance. In front of everyone. Look, he's taking off his jacket. As I live and die, what is he wearing? Awww, I love him. And so on.

The event gave the impression that Canadians spent their time posing on pointy mountains, paddling navy blue lakes and staring at evergreens (anti-deciduous to an extent that verged on the racist, I say), surrounded by snow snow snow, more snow than air. And we honour the wisdom of our aboriginal peoples, whose land we, well, stole but they have forgiven us and dance at our Olympic ceremonies.

In reality, most of us are frighteningly inert, the water on the reserves where our poverty-stricken native Canadians live is undrinkable, British Columbia trees are being killed en masse by the mountain pine beetle unleashed by climate change, and the snow is brown and crusty on the curbs of the cities near the US border where most of us live.

Yikes! Daddy issues, batshit crazy racism reference, colonialism, tokenism, aboriginal poverty, global warming and anti-Americanism. Heather is in fine form, peaking at just the right time. She goes on to critique the opening ceremonies and then returns to her favorite topic...her depression.

It's her updated depressing rendition of her classic Both Sides Now ("I really don't know clouds/love/life at all") which I always call I Hate Myself and Want to Die. You'll remember the song from Love Actually when Emma Thompson had just learned that Alan Rickman had been unfaithful. She spent the song in the marital bedroom dazedly straightening out a quilt.

I spent it sobbing. Thanks, Olympic organisers!

Classic Mallick. A true gold medal performance.



Anonymous said...

Holy cr*p! I am still amazed that this nutjob even gets published. You really have to wonder who she is "doing" to keep her job.

Anonymous said...

I am embarassed that Heather Malick is Canadian. If she bothered to research the pine beetle problem, she would have knows that it was possible to control the initial outbreak, but the dipper gov't of the day bent to the greenies will and refused. Obviously a woman who hates Canada...I wonder if she still carries a CDN passport...I wonder if she is still paid by the CBC..."I like your money, but go get stuffed"


Anonymous said...

Gawd, what an embarrassing ass she is!

Anonymous said...

I wonder what happened to make this mutt so bitter towards Canada.

Rob C

Sammy said...

I think she's bitter cuz she had a major case of the 'hots for Harper' and he wouldn't give her the time of day!
Question: is that loon still on the cbc payroll?

Anonymous said...

TangoJuliette sez:

"...we have nowhere else to go but the sofa...." ??

Wot!? Is Adam G 'auditioning' another chorus of round-heeled bimbettes??

Good luck on the tryouts Heather.


t.e.& o.e.

VW said...

I keep telling people: if Heather Mallick is weeping, wailing, and gnashing her rhetorical teeth, then life must be going very well indeed for the Tories.

syncrodox said...

I'm not sure if HM is a barometer of conservative fortunes, liberal psychosis, perpetual adolescent angst, prescription drug abuse or a little of all of the above.

One thing is for sure and it's that HM and embarrassment are becoming synonymous.


Anonymous said...

Heather is really messed up. This chick must spend a lot of time on the couch. With her multiple issues conflicting with each other, amazingly enough she sometimes makes sense even to liberals. (real conservative)

Spin Assassin said...

"curled up like a shrimp on the couch"


Bwahahhahha! That was hilarious. Thanks for finding that syncrodox. This has put a big huge smile on my face and Mallick told all the jokes. Mallick sucks, CBC sucks, and Liberals are the high queens of suck.

I sleep well tonight. Thanks again.

Anonymous said...

Looks like somebodies vibrator needs new batteries!

Karina Cain said...

It's pretty interesting. They're using wood from the westbank first nations for the olympic podiums....

chutzpahticular said...

"Daddy issues, batshit crazy racism reference, colonialism, tokenism, aboriginal poverty, global warming and anti-Americanism. Heather is in fine form, peaking at just the right time. She goes on to critique the opening ceremonies and then returns to her favorite topic...her depression."

Aha! Heather Mallick must be a Black Bloc ninja punk!

Black Mamba said...

To me, the intersting question with Heather Mallick has always been: Is she trying to be Maureen Dowd, or is she trying to be Julie Burchill?

And no, it's not very interesting.

(p.s. imaging trying for years to be Maureen Dowd, and just not cutting it. Jeez.)

chutzpahticular said...

Uh, who is Maureen Dowd?

syncrodox said...


Maureen Dowd is a NYT hack who's writing style and politics are similar to HM.


Even worse than trying to imagine who HM wants to be when she grows up is trying to imagine what kind of life Heather's husband must lead.


chutzpahticular said...

Aha, thanks, Syncro.